My husband and I discussed our thoughts. We talked to others. It was so nice to know we weren't alone in our thoughts, or uncertainties, and struggle to know how to continue. I talked to the owner of the gym, a great guy and openly discussed things I was intimidated to talk about. When you're close to a group of people, it can be difficult to find a voice when you don't want to come across as the complainer. These people have invited us to their homes, do good for the community, and have become our family.
I have to admit that I felt considerably better making the decision to continue. We will continue with a year membership and see how it goes from there. All things considered, we will find a way to make it work for now.
It's been a rough start however, as my type 1 diabetes again has decided to be a complete dick. When my blood sugar is low, I feel weak, sweaty, confused, tired, shaky, starving, sweaty, nauseated, disoriented... the list goes on. To rectify this I need to eat to bring my glucose up.. The issue---I have been feeling LOW for 3 days. Constantly, every.second.of.every.day. from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I feel unsafe driving, I feel panicked when I feel this surge go through me. The issue... my blood sugar is not low. It's somewhat all over the board and is normal. So why the hell am I feeling this way??? I have no absolute reason. I went really low over the weekend while out of town and was standing in line to get food with my dad, bracing onto him for support to hold myself up. I was physically shaking uncontrollably. We got our food and I collapsed on the grass and it was potentially one of the fastest meals I've eaten. Afterwards I felt completely exhausted. I went home and crawled to bed at 730PM. WIPED. |
Because I constantly feel like this, I'm constantly testing my blood sugars to determine where I stand to know if my life is in danger. If worse comes to worse, I could pass out, have a seizure or not wake up. After 22 years, I have most always been able to guess where my sugar is based on how my body feels.. For the past 3 days, I've lost this sense.
Today I gave in and put in a sensor. the stupid giant white bulky piece of plastic you see on my stomach. It itches. it doesn't stay on. I have to constantly try to tape it back on, and not mess with it too much, and make sure its working. It's bulky and doesn't hide well under my clothes. Essentially it reads a fluid close to the actual blood stream and transmits the data to the insulin pump (the blue beeper) on my hip. It's supposed to "sense" whether my blood sugars are dropping or rising, that way, I can take the appropriate action as needed. The piece that goes under my skin (like a needle) costs over $100 per sensor if I didn't have insurance. It's disposable and it doesn't last the 6 days the insurance companies say it should.. It lasts more around 2 days. What a JOKE! that's another story...
Anyways, I'm frustrated and don't feel myself. I'm worried about my health. I feel guilty for not being active. I'm frustrated my body isn't normal. I feel like a monster with tubes and electronics on my body. I'm dying to get back to crossfit but would be much less apprehensive if I didn't feel like this. This is a feeling that a doctor can't fix. If all of my sugar readings are fine, there isn't anything to do but wait it out. I just have to make it past this. Please tell me I can.
-A